"WHY DON’T MEN LISTEN TO WOMEN? They do listen. But they listen for specific information. Men are problem-solvers. They are doers. When you talk to them, they are listening to determine (a) what the problem is, and what they need to do about it, so that they can resume watching ESPN. When they have the information they need, they stop listening."
"In the early phases of your relationship with a man, he listens to you a lot, because he is trying to solve a very important problem, namely, getting you to have sex with him. No matter what you talk about—your work, your friends, the fruit flies of the Ryukyu Islands—the man will pay close attention, because you might give him a clue indicating how he can get you to become naked. Once he has solved this problem, he becomes more selective in his listening."
"In the early phases of your relationship with a man, he listens to you a lot, because he is trying to solve a very important problem, namely, getting you to have sex with him. No matter what you talk about—your work, your friends, the fruit flies of the Ryukyu Islands—the man will pay close attention, because you might give him a clue indicating how he can get you to become naked. Once he has solved this problem, he becomes more selective in his listening."
"He will be most alert when you talk about a specific, clearly defined problem, because he can then use his reasoning skills to come up with a solution. For example, if you tell him that the car motor is making a funny noise, he will listen intently, then determine what he needs to do, namely, wait for a few days, in case it goes away."
"If there were no alcohol, there would be no straight white men dancing at weddings."
"Here’s a simple and fun experiment: Select, at random, a man who has one or more daughters. Place a gun to this man’s head and tell him he must do one of two things: 1. Have his prostate examined by a scorpion. 2. Attend a dance recital. He’s going scorpion. Yes, he knows it will be unpleasant. But he also knows that eventually it will end. This is not necessarily true of the dance recital.""I’m a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, including routine physicals. I’d like to be knocked out while I was still in the doctor’s waiting room and not regain consciousness until everything is over, ideally in my car, with no memory whatsoever of what happened." "But the point is that you definitely want anesthesia for your vasectomy. Tell your doctor you want the Full Coward Package. Tell him you don’t necessarily want to wake up during the same month as your procedure."
"Chess: This is another game where you should be able to establish your dominance. Do not let the dog go first."
" Why do men feel that they must know what’s on every TV channel all the time? Back in prehistoric times, when men had to protect their loved ones by peeing standing up, they also were responsible for feeding their families by hunting. This meant they had to be constantly scanning the environment, always searching for prey. Q. So you’re saying that when men change channels, they’re looking for prey? A. No, breasts."
