“Never waste your time with self criticism. There will always be lesser people willing to do that for you.”
“Of all life’s many pleasures I shall miss when I die, I must mention wine and breathing although not necessarily in that order.”"When you try to destroy me, you also destroy part of your "self".
"I’ve never met a woman who didn’t love her mirror and it’s reflection."
"We are all going to die, but only a few of us will have total control of those final moments."
“Properly applied, alcohol can be a perfect substitute for plastic surgery. You will find that the more you drink, the better you look.”
“When people ask me why I am so charming and clever, I will simply say it is because I’m Irish. Unfortunately, as of today, no one has asked that probing question.”
"When you think you are above it all, you may just be the tallest midget."
“Marriage like government is full of checks and balances. She writes the checks and you get the balance.”
“Marriage is a lot like heaven if you don’t mind the price of admission.”
"All of my friends died in the 60s"
"There is a common misconception that women can be bought with material possessions. While this is absolutely false, it must be said they can be rented."
"Faith, like hope is a wonderful thing. Like hope, it cost nothing and is well worth the price.”
“When you need a friend, you can always count on them, to do what's in their best interest."
“I have always had the best friends money can buy.”
“If you have a headache, stop hitting yourself in the head with a hammer and see if that helps.”
“I was once invited to play golf and I had to decline. It was my understanding that there was a federal law against reckless endangerment of an endangered species.”
"When you are young you think everything is important, including yourself. As you get older you realize that none of it was important, including yourself."
"I have often thought about using my baby picture for future publications. I have come to realize that the older I get the more I have in common with it on many levels.”
“Old age is a lot like golf. You tend to rely less on your driver and more on your putter for those challenging holes.”
"Divorce - Some people say your wife will take all of your money. Actually, my first wife only took 50% and my second wife only took 50%."
"One of the benefits from getting old is that you have actually lived experiences that others can only speculate about. Old age is a lot like sex – it’s good while it last.”
Harry S. Truman said “If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.” Actually, this is universally true which is why so many people are buying dogs and television shows are teaching people how to communicate with their dog in hopes they will do a better job than with humans.”
"A spy is a lot like a politician. Both have to solicit people they actually detest."
“I once thought I made a mistake then I realized I was wrong.”
"When you are young you think everything is important, including yourself. As you get older you realize that none of it was important, including yourself."
"I have often thought about using my baby picture for future publications. I have come to realize that the older I get the more I have in common with it on many levels.”
“Old age is a lot like golf. You tend to rely less on your driver and more on your putter for those challenging holes.”
"Divorce - Some people say your wife will take all of your money. Actually, my first wife only took 50% and my second wife only took 50%."
"One of the benefits from getting old is that you have actually lived experiences that others can only speculate about. Old age is a lot like sex – it’s good while it last.”
Harry S. Truman said “If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.” Actually, this is universally true which is why so many people are buying dogs and television shows are teaching people how to communicate with their dog in hopes they will do a better job than with humans.”
"A spy is a lot like a politician. Both have to solicit people they actually detest."
“I once thought I made a mistake then I realized I was wrong.”
